Patrick just recently gave us a sample of what to look forward to in his upcoming album. Two different versions of tis song, and this is the version I like more.
Patrick’s voice is really a positive force in my life right about now, regardless of how shitemo that sounds. I know you’re all probably sick to death of my personal pity party, but listening to this song just makes me so… okay, for lack of better word.
Including some emo bullshit on my part complete with some TS Eliot. (“This is the way the world ends” and all that shit).
Which mum said almost gave her a heart attack, which I laughed off to worry her less. Of course I didn’t tell her. I’ve gone back to not saying things since I’ve told her too much and now she doesn’t really know how to deal with it.
No way was I going to tell her that at the time, I had meant it and that I wanted to all the same.
So. she’s an intuitive woman, sort of. And she offered a compromise. She’d let me drop a couple of classes if that meant I wasn’t going to disappear again. Which was fair enough.
She also said for me to go look at what it meant to shift if I really wanted.
I do feel guilty, of course. As if the only real reason she’s allowing this is because of my extreme-ishbehaviour and because I’ve scared her enough. Not that that was my intention, really. It was just a side effect.
I sort of feel more paranoid than usual. This ‘suffocating’-like feeling when you feel like you’re doomed to have to do something.
Basically, what I was feeling before I ‘ran away from home’ only even more useless. I don’t want to go to school, I don’t want to have to face reality. Running away has only proven to me that 1.) I can, 2.) even in spite of this, my mother still expects me to keep calm and carry on after my melt downs.
I don’t want to have to wake up tomorrow. I don’t want anything anymore. I thought staying online would keep me distracted and calm. It hasn’t. I’m still sitting here looking like a fucking chihuahua.
The look on my face, I feel, is one of terror. And if it doesn’t show, I must be really fucked up, because I feel it in my gut, my teeth, my head. It’s not a panic attack, I know what those feel like. But it’s fairly similar and it’s driving me insane.
I have money right now. A good lot of it. I can leave, like, right now. And just get out of here. I want to, I really do.
I don’t know what’s stopping me, to be honest. Besides maybe a conscience that I am the director of our Vidprod finals as well as that I have 6k worth of K-Pop stuff to give to Kara tomorrow. Conscience.
Don’t make me go, please. Because I’m pretty damn sure I’m going to have to take it a notch higher than just sleeping if I want to send a message.
Alek's list of top ten hottest Degrassi Male Actors.
The characters (story, personality, how they look/dress when they’re in character) are not taken into consideration. When I made this list, it was just the actors.
1. Argiris Karras | Riley Stavros
I think Argiris looks way more attractive than Riley because he grows some fuzz. The fuzz is hot, man. And his hair in real life is like, jizz worthy on it’s own. Plus he’s such an awesome goofball IRL.
2. Evan Williams | Kelly Ashoona
I don’t know much about Evan Williams but he is super attractive. I’m kinda bummed his stint on Degrassi was that short, but w/e. He’s smokin’ either way.
3. Shannon Kook-Chun | Zane Park
Shannon is originally from South Africa. He has a noticable accent when he’s not in character. It’s fookin’ sexy. Plus he’s got a great smile. As in, The kind that makes you melt. I am not fucking shitting you, it’s true.
4. Raymond Ablack | Savtaj Bhandari
Like with Argiris, I like Raymond more than Sav looks-wise because of the beard. I’m not gonna lie tho, I almost dropped him from the list because he used to love wearing his hair long which I thought looked stupid, tbh.
5. Mike Lobel | Jay Hogart
You know, without a beard, Mike’s got this expression that reminds me of Bradley James. As in Arthur. I think it’s the lips/jaw.
6. Jamie Johnston | Peter Stone
There’s something about Jamie. I like how he looks really twiggy and really lean at the same time, depending on the angle. I know I said I’m not taking characters into consideration, but he looked amazing as a Meth head as well.
7. Landon Liboiron | Declan Coyne
One word: EYEBROWS. Yes, my eyebrow fetish wins again.
8. Marc Minardi | Lucas Valieri
Okay, so I couldn’t find a good out-of-character picture of him, but he still looks this good looking off screen, so whatevs, right?
9. Adamo Angelo Ruggiero | Marco Del Rossi
Hair is sort of a big deal to me, honestly. As in, I almost didn’t have Adamo on this list because I hated a couple of the styles he had. But of course, that wasn’t enough to keep him off this list.
10. Spencer Van Wyck | Wesley Betenkamp
Spencer is like a real-life Hiccup (as in, How to train your dragon). And what can I say. I love Jewfros and the ‘geeky’ looking guys.
Special shout out to James Edward Campbell (Mark “Fitz” Fitzgerald). He would’ve probably been in this list if I found a good picture of him. :)))
Depending on who you ask, I may or may not have run away from home.
If you ask me, that sounds way too cliche and lame. Little kids run away from home. I prefer to think of what I’m doing as more of a break from life. Since Jess has repeatedly scowled at me and threatened to do terrible things if I try to flounce from life, I think this is a reasonable alternative. Yes, spending time away from everything, hopping from friends house to friends house, from McDonalds to McDonalds, avoiding everything. Being escapist, in a way.
If you ask Jess, I believe she referred to what I’m doing as soul searching. I think I opted against that term since I’m not actively doing any searching more than I am just not doing anything. I want to sleep. I slept at 9 or 10 yesterday while Jess worked. I figure that was better than me bothering her all night when she was supposed to be doing school work. Schoolwork, that technically, I should have been doing too.
If you ask my mum, I’m pretty sure she thinks it counts as running away from home. But at the very least, I’ve told her where I was, all times she asked, and I’ve been communicating through text this whole time. She says she’s worried and I apologized but I made it clear I had no intention of returning home anytime soon. I have no desire to at least.
Now, I think the question on your minds is more of WHY I’ve run away from home, allegedly.
This may come as a surprise to everyone but I have absolutely no issues about my self esteem or self image. I am happy and content the way I am and I think I’m a pretty damn awesome person.
On the other hand, I’m also a really strange person. I’d say I was emotionally unsteady, but I don’t know if this counts as emotions. I have often thought of killing myself just because I was bored. Because life felt pointless and very ‘so what’. I felt lazy and didn’t want to do anything at all ever again. I have, on a couple of occasions, tried to flounce from life, all ultimately failed, obviously. How would I be here otherwise.
Other times, I am angry. Even the smallest things set me off. Even things that I usually care nothing for. Even if it’s done by people I like. I want to strangle them with my bare hands. I want to violently beat the life out of them mercilessly. I want to do all these things. And back then, when I couldn’t, I would take it out on myself. I would break pencils and drive the splintered end into my thigh or palm. I used to do that when I had more things to actually be angry about.
The trouble is that despite these feelings, I know full well that rationally, I’m being very stupid. That I have no reason to be mad, or feel hopeless or miserable. That my life is great, that I am overreacting, that I should have no reason to feel that way. But I do.
I don’t like to label myself depressed or say that I have problems in the noggen because of exactly that. I’m always in my right mind. I can reason, I can tell myself what I’m doing isn’t right or that I know I will regret this later. I know that even while all those things happen.
All I know is I’m strange. And right now, I just want to get out of here.
So I was being my usual goofball self when I asked Ate Edna for a hug, like I always do. Somehow, she’s only noticed my ink today, despite the fact that I’ve been wearing my sleeves rolled up for it, and she was asking me about it earlier but I kept brushing her off.
So I asked for a hug, and she sorta saw it again and was asking me what it was (as in, was it a doodle on mai skin, a henna, etc.). I kept ignoring her and insisting it was nothing and as I moved to hug her, she poked it really hard and I whelped in pain.
I hugged her to hide it but she kept going WHAT IS THAT. WHY ARE YOU SAYING IT HURTS? and I kept saying it’s nothing! It’s a doodle! I insisted.
And when she turned her back, I just silently sobbed in pain.
I ass you.
You have (a) nice heart
You make me feel like spring has sprung
You are a devil in disguise
You should chew with your mouth closed
Someday I will master some obscure cool shit no one cares about
You + me = youme
If I saw you on the street I’d be like OMG OMG LET'S FUCKING HUG NOW
I want to booty-bump you
I would build a giant wooden shoe just for you
If I could sing you any song it would be Sex Bomb.
We should drink some classy-ass wine under the stars
My favorite thing about you is your vertebrae
GAWDDAMN YOU BITCHES, YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THIS ANONYMOUSLY! XDDD That’s not fair!!!
I ____ you. You have (a) nice _________ You make my/me_______ You are a _________ You should _______ Someday I will ______ You + me = ________ If I saw you on the street I’d __________ I want to ________ you I would build a _______ just for you If I could sing you any song it would be _________. We should __________ under the stars My favorite thing about you is your _____
I was about to blog about how I feel like I'm not going anywhere with my art and can't seem to stop sucking, but I don't want a repeat of yesterday.
SO LETS TALK ABOUT TEDDY BEARS. 8D
So, uhmm, I’m starting to make the teddy bears you’re all getting for the holidays. And I realized I have absolutely no time to go to Divi to buy stuffing and fur, so you’re all getting lame-ass teddys made out of fucking regular cloth.